I don't know how it happened
but the lady who worked at the donut shop and I had a 20 minute conversation
about how being in your 20's is the worst.
I sat on her makeshift bench near the heater, ate my donut, custard running out the sides
and listened
to everything she had to say
because it was almost as good as getting a real big hug.
Lately I've been escaping home and heading to work early, that's how sad I've been.
Holidays do this weird thing to me
Fill me up with a chill
It's sort of exciting and liberating mixed with this feeling of being utterly alone.
I'm starting to not understand traditions
or why we do the things we do on specific days were told to do them
Is it really what we want?
All that turkey, all that stress.
I was telling David that lately it's been hard for me to feel connected to other people anymore.
Sometimes I'll be sitting at a table and thinking what am I doing?
Sometimes I really wish I had a grandma, someone "older and wiser"
Or an imaginary friend
Or Guardian Angel, I'll take whatever.
David asked me if I want kids.
I said, "I want to be a single mother."
"It's the only thing I've been able to picture actually happening for years now."
"That's how I know it's not a phase."
He laughed.
But it's true.
I told him that I can't imagine finding someone who can love passionately as well as be a good parent.
For some reason, I haven't seen them come hand in hand.
I also can't imagine being happy with someone for more than 10 years
I know something happens somewhere in there where eventually I'm not cutting it for them anymore
But the thing is, I know that I need to have something to love for the rest of my life
Something that'll never leave and that I can call mine
And I'll love the shit out of it, I will.
