V.

Earlier today
I thought about all of the times Amy would French braid my hair
on mornings when I was hungover and had to go to work.

I don’t know if it was the pressure against my scalp that made me feel better

Or the idea that if I were to vomit, no one would feel like theyd have to hold my hair back.

Cause no pressure. Or anything.

My mother always told me ever since I was 9 and having friendship issues at a catholic school every night. Crying on the faded floral couch with my bowl of too hot to eat progresso soup.

That was back when I liked to put ice cubes in the bowl and watch it do its magic.

Shed say, “you have friends for different things, em.”

"Sometimes, if youre really lucky, you have friends you can do everything with”

You were right Ma

Sometimes
I think about tattooing my entire body with quotes

that remind me to love. To stay sane. To feel. For the rest of my life.

Sometimes I think the tattoo that I have quoted on my underarm
put a curse on me to do the exact opposite of what it says

I wrote down personal things on this scrap piece of paper at my third job and im sort of anxious about not being able to find it.

Maybe his phone died.

Maybe im done for now.

Thanks for listening.

Truckin Along

Broke down on the bus to Alameda.
A lady offered me a cute apartment,
move in ready with a great price
and I almost said yes
because
for the first time so far,
someone was giving me a chance.
Even though leaving Oakland is something I just can't think about.
at all.
But sometimes when I feel like Oakland's giving me a hard time,
I take that 51a through the Webster Tube
and visit the other side
for a feeling as close to a hug as I can get.
I bought a brightly colored slime green wooden bench.
Because I'm going through some dumb crisis I'm sure you could classify easily.
But I sit on it when the sun finally hits my room in the evening
and to be honest,
it's sort of put my mind at ease.
I think my life can be pretty absurd
Sometimes I don't understand the aches and pains of it,
with little light at the end of the tunnel,
more like a flashlight.
Something battery operated.
to keep us going.
Just not sure, exactly.
If you asked me to elaborate, you'd soon realize
I can never elaborate.
I'm only good for feeling, I suppose.
A boyfriend once told me the same thing.
What society is projecting on me is shaking me up.
I know who I am and what I want,
but you always seem to be wanting to tell me I'm something else.
If my brain could speak,
it would probably say,
"We'll, I guess it's time to go to work."
When all I ever want to do
is listen to blues
and let it cradle me away.
Sometimes I wonder
if it is the only thing telling me the truth these days.

Country Girl

put me in a cottage and lock the door
ima tell you everything you won't get.
but
lets face it;
i might be a country girl

high fives and shit

you could call it, missing the point?
maybe?
small person syndrome?
    that shoulder sulking sickness

neal's tellin me it's all about perspective,
like all it took was a button
or a light switch.
a shower, or something
get some water on that face

you know, something like   "take a break,"
                        "breathe a little."
      "sit down."
whatever else people are used to saying
in these crushing times

pats on the back type stuff
                            high fives   and shit
     feel good moments for like,   a second.

i dont even believe anymore    all the nice things my poetry teacher said to me.
it's all just a burnt up pile of mess
and things aren't the same
so those words are in the air
tangled up in some telephone pole a mile away
for someone else to get down
and claim

so basically
id make an excellent ghost
a brilliant wall flower

the best fly on the wall you've ever had.

rant

call it pre-teen traumatic stress. thats what everyone else calls it these days. lumping everything together like were all in the same place. i tell them im 22, its been three years since ive seen that hyphenated double e. but its the 2 + 2 they see and nothing else.

baby emily.

child eyes for life;   fuck it. 

lets talk about how no one wants to fucking say anything anymore. its like words got too heavy or something. it scared everybody away, screaming “too much. too much.” couldn’t carry the weight of it, couldn’t handle it. everybody’s malfunctioning, things exploding, dripping fucking nothing. so i started having serious problems with wanting to shake people. wanting to ask what they’re made out of, cocking my head to the side because I’m really truly a curious motherfucker.

what’s inside you.

where are your fucking eyes.

ive been walking in heavy boots since i knew what sour grass was. been wanting to make conversation or something close to it since i can remember. befriending strangers on the streets. and their puppies. because things were being said and heard and we were going somewhere. but suddenly it got cool to put periods on everything and call it a day.

1:25 AM on a dull Tuesday

Never, really ever, wanting to forget Oakland

Sky

sky so red.
between black trees,
negative space bled

Pre- Nothing/Post- It All

thinking about in my lungs, jittering
all the things that live
inside
its
regurgitated build up;
volcanic needs.
all the things i hate
in me,
my worries
about the sounds in my walls
behind corrugated strips of
hollow
im thinking about the wind
is picking up
brushing trash on pretty streets,
cans not heavy enough
to carry,
flow
thinking about old things
dusted,
broomed and broken,
old friends.
things ive done
to you
things i should
have said
things that made me punch walls
with fists
heavy and bare
and blue boned
thinking about all i would do
on a dark night
cause its feeds me
all the yellow
i need,
with street lights to see through
of baseball games i used to watch
root for what team, who cares,
i like to watch them batter batter.
thinking about the cold is coming,
hats on racks no one's buying
halloween's coming, skulls are in windows
screaming black ceramic
on sale
in a fancy gift shop
but my hands are stupid-
stiff and
rotten.
words for nothing.
no ones hearing,
what they are.
what's the point.
if nothing is what it was
when you first began liking
life

"This is not a birthday card"

You're that "friend,"
that's never really your friend.
You'll invite us over your parent's house,
let us watch your dog,
but to you
that shit doesn't really mean
anything
Because you never like anyone
enough to let them in.
Because you don't understand yet
that people's flaws
are the best parts about them.

Here's your birthday present.
I am giving it to you now
because I don't want it to be
my responsibility anymore.
I don't feel the same way about it
when I was buying it for you
And I don't want to return it either,
even though I've thought about it.

Happy early birthday
(asshole),

- Emily

"ok," as i smile, i say

ok. ok. ok . o k . . o  k  . .   .
yes, i will do that.
i will be
what you want from me
head nodding, uh huh, oh yeah
i will be
what you dont want to do
is me
i will be    it
all day long for you
so you can
have a seat and relax
so you can feel alright later
feel like the man
feel big and
over
powering.
ok, yes
of course i will
oh definitely
as i smile
i say
i hate all that you are
i hate so much i cry
on porch steps
near trash cans
in spiderwebs
i dont care
cause im crying
at work
in bathrooms
hiding in petting
your dog
because i need warm things
to close my arms around.
to enfold into
like a pretzel
because my mom is far
and all i have is my sleeve

friends are nothing like they are in stories your mother tells

i use the word homesick
but what i think i really mean is

uncomfortable
or dissatisfied,
 
pressing on your limbs  and  heavy on your  chest
   
     fucking anxious    
                               about nothing
because nothing is what i feel like i'm doing
when i really want to be doing something        more,     that makes me feel raw    like i used to

just feeling pulled. in all directions
but am so overwhelmed  that i'm not moving     towards     either of them.

i've been doing that thing   where i stare all the time   at things,
maybe hoping to form some sort of connection   with it
                pretend that i know     something

i'm just more interested in other peoples lives
                       because i don't need to poison it.

just feel like im talking at my friends,
               not with them     and in the end,   and always,
                                                                  no one really gives half a shit

and were all really only together      to laugh,      at something stupid

and after a while,   with life progressing as it is,    i don't see what's the point in any of it.

friends are nothing like they are in stories your mother tells
 
i feel like my entire life has just been a series of needing to scream in peoples faces
      everything thats fucked up about them,
                              and fucked up about their souls
but it never happens
      because no one would listen
                             and i'm really just wasting my fucking time

i'm always trying to understand  where everyone is coming from
                                                                              and how can i be more open about it,
but fuck,
   after a while,
                  i just begin to hate       and feel heavy

because i dont,
               
              i dont,
                            i dont,
                                        just,

                                        understand
                       
                                                  really   fucking            anyone.

i think we should still hang out

i looked for your vomit on the way home
                                           
                                           and could not find it.

  you said you were by a tree     with a bench
               
        and you bent down
                 over wooden-ed ground
                                                         and did it.
                                               
                                                   all over yourself.
like you had nothing left to hide.

and thats what i liked about it  best,

                         there was nothing left to hide.

Its like, well, purgatory

its like, im supposed to be sleeping.
im supposed to be sleeping, worrying, dreaming nightmares or something.
its like
im
supposed to be
all these things.
but what i am.

its like ive forgotten things.
like how to be a human being.
like how to have patience with myself,   how to breathe.
all i can care about are things from back then      because back then, i knew things.
    and wasnt feeling so            purgatory.
its like im laying in a cemetery, in the sun and i.   well like, i love it. ..but.  well i,    i mine as well be dead.
             and dead as in, well,        purgatory.

and its like im getting a beer- because i let him down when i got that cider
                                       i mean. i   was     full and all, but,
  when i got that beer,   the room was so small. we made a circle and it was big enough but
the small things stayed small.
and we felt small.
  and it was all small talk
because we all knew it as just another waiting room
                     for the purgatory.
    and for their friends.
but our feet were touching
and it was something  even if we apologized later for it

its like, how im trying to think of that day   without thought
  and rolling my windows down
 and numb lips and eyelids   from the cold.
 
and how i forgot to know you
  but i thought i knew you        because you were always there
                                                                            when   i   wasnt,    there
and its like, im thinking again,
but im really just    sinking    in it all
and by all   i mean,      you know,   purgatory.

but its   like,   so off  topic.
   and  im  like,    so lost.
when its  really   like,     i  should  be   sleeping.
                                                                 or something.

Let It Crust

I make piles with my life,
throw glitter on it
                     and don't clean it up.

   Let it crust.

Until the wind blows it away,
                                       that is.

Insecurities In A Bucket

Insecurities 

  In

  A  bucket.

In a toilet seat

        On an airplane

                            Flying towards.

        Bullshit,

The capital of.

                       

          Ugly faces

           

                    and a

 

        tan lined back.

You Are Just A Coat

You are just a coat.

      Sitting in some sweaty overcast,

      Calling out 911 through sad eyes
                                                     like it were a name you knew

You got your pockets in your hands

                Like a bucket of cool whip,
                            Sulking.    Drying out,    Hardened. Mess

               Eating the paint off your nails,
The taste of pure cancer

Somebody with "a lot of potential"     just        not         going anywhere
                       
                             like last years prom memories.

People keep looking at me like a bump on the road

        I am just a coat
                        Layered cake. and coated.

You parted the clouds and the sun shone     for just one second

On my legs.
On damp grass.

But disappointment,

         It sticks on you like a grass stain,
                               
                                  like a sore throat in the crevasses

"The Invitation" By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
for fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true
I want to know if you can disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day
And if you can source your own life
from its presence

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here
I want to know if you will stand in the center of fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied
I want to know what sustains you from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

I Surrender

I surrender,
               
            I surrender,    I say

Hands raised high   like  a   popsicle stick

I am juiceless,
 
        and   only  surrounded by my

imperfections   and     a leaking heart.

Call to arms
and calling to you

calling out      and    between fingers, please

I am waving,   but

all you can see

is the space between  bended bone

Part of You Is Spilling

She has the face of an ice cream.
the cone,  my hand      beneath it,  cupped for the scoop

Part of you is spilling,   I say
all over me..          stop it.

My finger tips are not mountain ridges
but holes,  I tell you.   Holes.

You belong in a bowl,
                              now go.

Embrace The Piñata

I don’t know much about children, but at the same time they intimidate the crap out of me. I’m standing in a store, let’s just say I’m buying a snickers bar and the lady next to me’s child is eyeing me from floor to ceiling. This little girl probably has a bright pink tutu on that I probably think is rad. Which brings me to this thought: children really know how to stare into your soul. You could call it art. They look at all the little trinkets hanging off of your body; that thing in your hair, your puffy skirt and sparkle shoes. They stare, and you know exactly what they’re thinking. They have no censorship, they say what they want and speak how they feel. They look at you; they actually look into your eyes. Remember eye contact? Well children still believe in it. And if they feel like jumping off of a car, they do it while simultaneously screaming something barbaric. Children are my idols, okay? They’re super cool. And they represent and stand for something that I can’t necessarily have anymore, or at least it was taken away from me-maybe just as my braces came off, or maybe it was when Angela Sosa threw that frozen snickers bar at my head for not saving her the sugar twisted donut. It was my 8^th birthday, and it should have been something magical. As you grow, you begin to realize that all birthdays aren’t bulletproof. I still hate this fact. I’m naïve, I know, and I’m okay with that.

Children are straight up. They speak the truth; they bring the good and the bad news. They are imaginative, they make believe and they aren’t afraid of what you think or how you feel. They are inconsiderate, they are rude, but they are awesome about it. You know when you can and can’t count on them to do something. They embrace the silly, they embrace the creature, they embrace the ability to make sound affects, they laugh so hard and so loud, they lack fear and they trust strangers. They have so much hope and faith in everything and in everyone, and they see you for you.

A lot of the time I feel like my biggest competitors are children- is that weird? It feels weird. I’m a bit envious of them, yes. I’ve always been, probably always will, but definitely not in that nasty “I’m a grown woman living through you,” sad way. None of that. This is going to be more like an appreciation. From afar. A feeling like as long as someone can represent all the good that childhood was, I’ll be okay being elderly in a giant fluff chair baking cookies for someone.

It turns out that right now, I’m 21 and a half- not elderly, and I don’t own a fluff chair yet, so if it’s okay with you, I’m going to represent all the good that childhood was while it’s not too late, and in this case, it’s going to start with embracing the piñata. The love I have for the Piñata goes along with my love for hot air balloons and unicorn. Along with my strange fascinations with rollercoaster’s and creatures, He-Man and She-Ra, and with making movies in my head that I forget aren’t real. It’s hard to put everything in my head into words, but I know that every action I make comes from who I am, every artistic decision included. Can I call these decisions an impulse? Can I call it Knowledge? Can I just call it Me? The Piñata, and all these things, play with my memories. Every memory, for me, comes with a feeling attached, or a smell- something so distinct and clear that it brings me back in ways other things can’t.

The times of my childhood and through my growing years were the times when I felt the most connected with myself. These were the times when I felt the most vulnerable, the most honest and the most real. I learn that the more that I know (about the world, about the people I love, and about my surroundings,) the more I get away from that vulnerability and innocence. It is a change that I can feel inside of me and out. If I can’t stay being one thing, or one person- if I can’t stay in a happy place and if I need to move on- then is it okay if I bring something with me to hold? Can that be an image, can it be an object, can it just be a feeling?  That is the piñata and the unicorn, and the creature for me, it is a type of relationship; it is a close connection.

We as human beings- in a generalized phrase- feel the need to grow so fast. People want to do everything before the time has come. I don’t know why but it happens and it appears to be normal and natural and a part of life. But in ways, we all miss what we grew past and we go back in little ways. Looking at photographs, or telling stories, I feel, are small gestures of this. Maybe when I reminisce, I reminisce hard. Maybe I just never fully grew past these things. Everything is still in question but regardless, someone has to bring people “back to earth,” as I see it: “back to the times when things were good.” These things make people happy, it awakens some, and maybe acts like a refresh button for others. If I can bring smiles, make things temporarily lighthearted for all, and if I have to do it with glitter and sprinkles, then I’m going to do it all the better.